UNIT Shots
by NotAnOunceOfLogic
Summary: Before their kids were Breaking University, they were breaking everyone: What happens when you leave Sarah Jane on Earth with four of the best Military men ever born.


One problem with being dropped back on Earth suddenly was the lack of things to do. After exploring the universe everything seemed mundane. So Sarah Jane found herself spending a lot of time with mutual friends for a while when not freelancing; after all who would understand better than the Brigadier, Harry, Yates and Benton when it came to random alien influence on your life.

If anyone saw then what would happen thanks to the quartet becoming friends, they would have tried to avert it…or at least bought several cameras.

"And is this another soldier?" the inspector looked Sarah Jane over where she sat on someone's desk, noting the slip on heels, stockings, skirt and blouse. He was here from the Government to look over UNIT in a normal evaluation that had the Brigadier positively twitchy.

"Not if you paid me." Sarah Jane said dryly, causing the soldiers around to laugh.

"A visitor with this level of clearance?" He sounded outraged as he pulled up a clipboard to write on.

"She's not a visitor!" the Brigadier protested quickly, trying to avoid a black mark.

"Yeah, she's our mascot." Benton said seriously, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

She smacked him across the chest with the back of her right hand, "I'm nobody's mascot, John Benton!"

He just smiled at the man, ignoring Sarah Jane's protests. "She's a lot like a teddy bear that's been possessed by an evil alien."

"Wha-"

"Short, cuddly, fuzzy and prone to hurt you if you annoy her?" Harry quipped, safely across the room.

"I hate all of you." Sarah Jane said with as much dignity as she could muster when the man had left, led by the Brigadier whose moustache was twitching suspiciously.

The boys of UNIT broke down into laughter, giving up all pretence of seriousness.

"I swear, I really do." She repeated as Harry held onto the edge of the desk to support himself and Benton wiped away tears of mirth. "Fuzzy? Cuddly? Really?"

Benton straightened his face, his chest still shaking and tried hard to stand up straight, "Well, ma'am, you do give great hugs."

"And your hair has been known to be quite curly, old girl." Harry added through his laughter.

Everyone who'd managed to stop laughing started again.

"I hate you all."

* * *

Just being on Earth did not mean Sarah Jane was staying out of anything, and given the careers her closest friends were in they all found themselves head over heels in trouble near constantly. Thing was, Sarah Jane didn't get pulled into trouble; she dove in head first with gusto and hauled them with her.

* * *

Sarah Jane walked into the UNIT office break room where she knew most of her friends would be, given the time of day, and looked around at everyone.

She gained a few greetings, several smiles and waves but overall no one blinked twice at the civilian being there.

"I need someone who knows the meaning of incognito and tact who'd be willing to go as my date to a party that more than likely will contain at least one evil villain and we might just uncover a master evil plan."

The Brigadier grinned, crossing his legs at the ankle and relaxing back in his chair, "I would, but I'm sure Liz would kill me for leaving her with all the kids to go on a date."

Harry looked intrigued and laid his charts down onto the table, "Maybe but...promise I won't get eaten by anything?"

"I make no promises, but it's most likely just some Earth issue." Sarah Jane told him.

"I'll ask my fiancée." Harry said sounding almost resigned.

"Only in UNIT." Benton commented, "Do you have beautiful women ask you out just as a cover in case bad things go down."

"Are you complaining?" she quirked an eyebrow as she looked at him.

"No. Just observing." He smiled.

When it turned out none of the current UNIT boys could help her – or when she didn't want them to try and stop her – she turned to another good friend who would help with almost anything.

"Okay, I need a date to a function that might get us killed." Sarah Jane said promptly as the door opened.

"And you come to me?" Mike Yates asked dully, moving aside to let her into the house.

"Well, you're a big strong brave man who's faced down aliens before and will go no strings attached due to no interest." She replied, leaning up against his counter.

"I never should have come out of the closet to you."

"Yeah well, you did." She shrugged and smiled at him. "Coming with me?"

He sighed, "What time?"

* * *

Parties, both crashed and thrown, never turned out normally. It soon became a running joke that no one was ever safe at a party if Sarah Jane, Sir Alistair, Benton, Yates or Harry were all there. It got worse if it was a fancy dress party or one involving tuxedos.

* * *

"I'm never wearing heels again!" Sarah Jane yelled, pulling the offending items off quickly as she stumbled.

Harry skidded to a stop, waiting for her, "Come on, we've got to go."

"I can't run in these bloody things." She held the heels in one hand, Harry grabbed her other hand, cueing her to run again. "I swear to God, I'm going to start wearing boots!"

"Boots?"

"Yes!"

The roaring noise of a very mad alien was catching up behind and the floor was beginning to shake again. For once, as she planned on pointing out as soon as there was less a chance of death, it wasn't her fault. This was a UNIT party on UNIT premises with an alien antagonized by UNIT soldiers.

"If we get out of this alive, old girl, I'll buy them for you myself." Harry promised as they ducked through a doorway, sliding on the waxed floor as the Brigadier and Benton slammed the doors shut and shoved something metal through the handles.

The alien rammed into the door and sent the two soldiers moving backwards quickly.

"Well then, shall we try guns, Sir?" Benton asked the Brigadier.

The Brigadier shook his head, "Bullets aren't working, but Liz has something that will knock it out flat; we just need to get it to north containment cells."

"North? North as in two buildings away?" Sarah Jane demanded as she sat on the ground, catching her breath.

"North as in three floors, an underground hallway and a pass code away." the Brigadier gave her the corrected route.

With a growl she started removing her stockings.

"Sarah! What are you doing?" Harry gaped as Benton snorted in laughter at Harry's tone and the Brigadier kept an eye on the door.

"If we're going to be running through that many floors I'm not doing it in my stockings, I'd break my neck."

"Boots." Harry shook his head, "Brigadier, we've got to get her boots like we have."

"I'd prefer more stylish." Sarah Jane said cheekily as the door was rammed into again. This time the metal started to give.

"I think we should run, sir."

"I agree." the Brigadier said, ushering his friends away from the door. "Yates has the codes and will let us through."

"Wasn't he fired years ago?" Benton asked as he ran with them. "Why does he have the codes?"

"I have most of the codes too, and I've never worked here!" Sarah Jane laughed, bare feet not sliding near as much on the waxed floor. "You lot are lax in security!"

"Mock later, Sarah!" the Brigadier ordered her as the door busted open behind them and a loud roar echoed.

"Oh God, there are stairs on this route!" Harry yelped as he realized it.

* * *

The worst part of surviving the alien invaded party was always the aftermath. Not the aliens themselves or figuring out what to do with them, but the drinking everyone always did. More often than not they woke up in strange places or situations; Once Benton had woken up in the boot of the Brigadier's car while Harry found himself asleep on the hood.

Of course this meant the most awake or aware member of them had to explain to any calling significant others...

* * *

As the phone rang Sarah Jane groaned and tried to block out the noise with her hands. It didn't stop it much and it was echoing through her skull like a siren. She climbed out of bed and looked around blearily. Something was nagging at her that she was supposed to be doing but her brain couldn't concentrate on it yet. She stumbled out of her room and into the living room to find the phone. Sarah Jane didn't really take much note of the fact several people were sleeping in the room as she grabbed it.

"H-Hello?" she tried to sound awake, just in case it was her editor or someone important.

"Sarah! Where are you guys? The wedding starts in two hours and we haven't heard from any of you!" Abigail Benton yelled.

Sarah Jane swayed on her feet and held the phone away from her head briefly, wedding…wedding…Oh…OH! "Um, on our way. Promise." She made a 'cross my heart' motion that was wasted.

"If you don't get Harry here on time his fiancée might just kill all of you." Abigail warned her, "Where are you all?"

"My flat…Getting ready." Sarah Jane lied, hauling the phone on a long cord with her so she could wake up the nearest man. She nudged the Brigadier with her foot. "Wake up!" she hissed, "Harry's getting married in two hours and he's…passed out somewhere." She turned back to the phone, "Don't worry, we're all fine. On our way. No reason to ever question that."

"You went drinking, didn't you?"

"Of course not!" it wasn't a lie…she wasn't exactly certain where they'd gone.

"I'll never understand why you were invited to the Stag night…" Abigail sighed and Sarah Jane could hear the exasperation in her tone. "You guys better be here within the hour and you better be clean, dressed and sober."

Sarah Jane agreed and hung up. "Wasn't invited," she muttered to herself, "I threw it…Alright." She tried to stand up straight and cleared her throat, "Wake-y wake-y! We've got a wedding to get to." Sarah Jane said, nudging the Brigadier again and stepping over him to wake up Benton. "Speaking of, has anyone seen the groom?"

When they finally all arrived at the wedding – Harry had been asleep in the bath – it took them halfway into the ceremony to realize Harry had on two different coloured socks, one brown and one red.

* * *

It's not that they go drinking every night, nor do they drink to get drunk, it just happened that more often than not an extremely strange story either started with 'and then there were aliens' or 'and then someone brought out tequila.' Adding to that drinking with Military men brought it to a whole new level.

* * *

The night Jacob Lethbridge-Stewart was born a pub brawl was started. It wasn't their fault, really it wasn't. It was a dark little back alley pub to begin with – "Honestly, who names a pub 'the Drunken Monkey'?" – and it appeared that the regulars didn't take well to insults, military men or being turned down.

When all was said and done only Harry and Sarah Jane were left standing in the middle of the room, back to back. The Brigadier was on the ground snoring thanks to copious amounts of alcohol and a well-placed fist.

"I'm not sure if I should feel horrible or proud." Harry said, looking at his hands then at the group of people.

Sarah Jane laughed, "Go for both."

The night had ended with a few hospital trips, a trip to jail and a lecture by Liz…but hey, at least Jacob's birthday was memorable and apparently they started some sort of tradition.

* * *

"Why is it my husband holds his liquor just fine any night of the week, but when he goes out with you four he comes home on the verge of collapse or doesn't make it home at all?" Liz demanded of the group as they all sat down for dinner at her home.

Benton choked and Yates started giggling quietly. Harry was hiding a grin behind his hand and pretending he didn't hear anything, Sarah Jane smirked and tried not to giggle and the Brigadier was turning colours.

"Anyone? I'm waiting." Liz said, tapping her fingers.

"Blame the Daemons, Ma'am." Benton managed before they all started laughing.

"What does that mean?" his wife asked him curiously.

"Five rounds rapid." Yates managed to say before the boys – and Sarah Jane – started laughing, leaving spouses completely confused.

* * *

Years of travel, hundreds of locations, dozens of species of aliens and thousands of weird encounters does not leave you without a few good stories and a few horrible ones.

No one will ever tell why they're not allowed back to Bermuda and when asked they flat out deny ever being arrested in Germany.

For that matter if asked they NEVER admit to having ever used UNIT ID's or social connections to get out of being arrested. Mostly because a majority of the time it never worked.

With those stories that no one tells and the actions no one admits to come dozens of ways to make someone do what you want.

* * *

"Please, Alistair." Sarah Jane begged, hands clasped in front of her.

Normally she wouldn't give in to begging outright, but time was of the essence and he wasn't going to let her have military supplies without some coaxing.

"No." he said simply, bouncing his youngest child in his arms. "And really, asking about it at a birthday party?" the Brigadier looked at her and mimed disapproval. "Tsk, tsk."

She rolled her eyes and waved him off, "Junior's seven. I got him the biggest chocolate bar I could find and £20 in a card. He'll love me no matter what I do or say today."

He nearly glared at Sarah Jane, "What've you done?"

"Nothing not required of an Aunt. Now…" She returned to her pleading posture. "Please?"

"No. Go ask one of your other pawns." He shifted the baby to his other arm and shoved her lightly.

"My other pawns don't have access to the vaults you have." She tried again. "I'm being nice."

"I'm saying no."

She narrowed her eyes, watching him for a moment then took the baby from his arms and held it close.

"Are you stealing my daughter till I say yes?" He seemed genuinely amused by that idea.

Sarah Jane made sure that the girl's ears were covered before speaking. "Aruba." She said frankly but a bit quietly, as if uttering a swear.

He glowered at her, "We had a deal."

"Still do. Now. Vaults?" She asked cheekily, shifting the baby who had decided to chew on her hair.

The Brigadier growled but located a pen in one of his pockets and wrote down a string of numbers across her wrist. Taking the baby back he immaturely stuck his tongue out at her.

She grinned cheekily, "Thank you."

"One word!" He called after her as she was halfway across the room. "Bermuda!"

She stumbled and choked before glaring back at him. "Love you too!"

He turned to face the room and realized most everyone as watching them. "What?"

Harry chuckled, not trying to hide it.

"Germany, Sullivan." The Brigadier said warningly.

Harry choked and held up his hands in surrender.

* * *

"So how'd you get this again?" Yates asked as he held tightly to the handle on his side of the jeep as Sarah Jane tore down the streets in it trying to escape the cars chasing them. "It's Military!"

"It's UNIT."

"Point still valid." He replied, shifting in his seat to look behind them.

"I used Aruba." She told him, turning the steering wheel quickly and making the tires screech as they tried to turn the car.

"You're so mean." Yates pushed his feet against the floor reflexively as he slid. "He must really feel lenient if he didn't get you back."

"He pointed out he could, but I guess he was having too much fun at Junior's party." Sarah Jane shrugged. "Besides, with friends like ours blackmail is another way of saying 'I love you'. Now, hold on." She said, hitting the breaks hard and sliding to a stop as the cars following them try to do the same but ended up skidding.

"I feel treasured." Yates said when he caught his breath.

* * *

Years down the road she realizes just how precious her friends are and just how aggravating they can be when two days after she adopts Luke the lot of them show up at her house with a moving truck full of teenaged boy things and dozens of gifts.

She did have to smack Harry for that 'complete idiot's guide to childcare'.


End file.
